


The walls of acceptance

by Princess_of_Troy



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: Falling In Love, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Pining, Self-Doubt, Starts per-series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23611936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princess_of_Troy/pseuds/Princess_of_Troy
Summary: ...and how they were all broken down by a single smile.
Relationships: Toby Hamilton/Adil Joshi
Comments: 28
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit it right from the start: This work is not exactly original or something that hasn't been done in this fandom before. By no means did I intend to steal anyone's idea or copy anyone's creative content. I simply felt the urge to write an own Interpretation of Adil's backstory, how he came to the Halcyon, developped feelings for Toby and how he deals with it. I hope it didn't come out too similar to the already existing fanfictions. Please check them out, they are all a pure joy to read :)

In the earliest and most vulnerable years of his childhood, Adil had learned the concept of acceptance. It was the willingness to adapt to a situation that was not necessarily to one’s own satisfaction. Society had taught him this lesson by spitting at his feet, sitting as far away from him in the underground as possible, calling him names like “pickaninny”, “chee-chee” or “interloper” in order to point out his external distinction and to show their disapproval of someone so different living amongst them. This was the contrary of acceptance, it was ignorance. Adil was aware of how they felt. And he quietly acknowledged the fact that the majority of them would never acknowledge him. Not because he was a coward but for the greater good. More precisely, for the greatest good he had: His family. Adil worshipped his parents and his six years elder sister. They had never come to feel at home in Britain yet had moved to Manchester in late 1920 when Adil had only been a few months old because they never wanted their infant son to experience the hard, perspectiveless life in India as they had.

  
“I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.”, his mother once had said, tousling little ten-year-old Adil’s hair and watching him lovingly.  
“For my son to have a promising, self-determined future, no sacrifice is too big.”

  
Because that was it. A sacrifice out of love. Little ten-year-old Adil with tousled hair understood. And he saw that it was now on him to show his family that it did not have to be a sacrifice, that there was a safe and stable existence for all of them in Britain if he just worked hard for it. On this account, he worked hard, he fought through, he stayed strong. He never lost sight of reality which did not look too bright for his kind, but he kept his resolve in mind whenever he was confronted with discrimination and prejudice on the basis of his race. And he promised himself, that he would never risk what he had built up over some ignorance.

  
Finding a job in London was unexpectedly easy. Indeed, none of these positions were well-paid and since pretty much all of his employers and colleagues felt repulsed by Adil’s origins as well as automatically underestimated him and his abilities, they automatically assumed that he could be used as a cheap labor force without him noticing. Adil did notice but did not object. On the contrary, he led them to believe that he was as dense and inferior as they wanted him to be. It earned him a lot of pointed remarks and jokes at his expense, but Adil did not care about their opinion, he simply was not keen on attracting jealousy, offended pride and the urge to put obstacles in his way.

  
So, he had to play the part; which meant head down, act discreet and do not talk back. Follow the rules and supress all thoughts of rebellion. He did not intend to stay at these places for too long anyway, so he was not about making an impression and competitiveness rather than going quietly about his business, gaining knowledge and experience, biding his time and waiting for the right opportunity to strike.  
All these years of pretending shaped him into a very even-tempered, patient, self-controlled but also a very reserved person. It was an act Adil had perfected so well through his early life, no longer was it just a facade that hid his true persona. It was an armor, a wall that shielded his heart from being too affected by cruel words or gestures, but also kept every new person in his life from entering it, even those who might had been worth the risk. Trapped in a system of balancing in between distance and proximity, looking over his shoulder, strategizing every move and fearing the consequences of a wrong word, Adil never got rid of this underlying feeling of constant discomfort and instability.  
He did not show it outwardly, of course. It only would have made him appear weak. And Adil could not afford weakness.

  
~*~

  
Adil’s “strategy” reached its peak in summer 1935 when he was hired at the Halcyon at the tender age of fifteen. Before, he had been employed in several pubs and bars and had developed quite some skills in mixing drinks as well as a large knowledge of drink recipes, but Mr Garland only gave him a job in the kitchen, stating that Lord Hamilton would find it inappropriate to have his cocktails made by a someone who was still considered a child.

He did not mention anything of the fact that his Lordship and the other members of the upper class would probably smash every glass Adil had touched to the floor or stare at their drink as if it was poisoned. Adil played along for Mr Garland’s sake. He could only speculate about how much persuasion it must have cost the hotel manager, so he, the lowly Indian schoolboy, would receive a permanent job at this prestigious hotel. He also understood that this man, who had a daughter in Adil’s age, most likely wanted to spare him the bitter taste of high society’s unconcealed, shameless intolerance. And Adil was proper grateful for that thoughtful intention, although it was not necessary. Meeting Mr Garland had improved his picture of the British, in a good way. That there were English people - perhaps not among the aristocrats but rational, liberal citizens - who did not prejudge him, who were willing to give him a chance, who saw him as an equal. It gave him hope that during his lifetime, an epoch would arise in which nobody would be disadvantaged for who they were. In which he did not have to hide his alterity, external as well as internal, and be true to how he felt.

  
And maybe, if he let his greatest fantasies carry him along far enough… find someone who felt the same.

  
~*~

  
The head chef had made it clear from the start that he was the boss in the kitchen and that he called the shots. In some way, he was no different than the noblemen and women. He did not want to see Adil in the kitchen, or worse, to “meddle in his affairs”. So Adil had got assigned to take the rubbish out, to sweep the entrance area, to stowage all deliveries by himself etcetera. He did as he was told, accepted the invidious treatment once again. Sure, he had his not so great moments, cursing the long hours outdoors, especially as summer went to autumn, but then again, Adil had to think about not wanting to disappoint his family or Mr Garland and held onto his hope for change. His time would come, he was sure of it.

  
Besides, Adil discovered that working in the backyard did have a positive aspect. When summer went to autumn, something caught his eye. Or rather someone. A boy, about the same age, who passed by the hotel on the other side of the street day after day at half past five, walking hurriedly and not paying much attention to his surroundings. He did not stand out from any other face Adil saw passing by, except that his face was always hidden in a large heavy book. It was a different book every time, but they were all large, heavy and the boy seemed very absorbed in its content. Adil did not know who he was nor where he always went. And yet - strangely – he wanted to. Every time he saw the thin boy with pale skin and brown curls, he wondered who he was, whether the books he read excited or scared him. The wish to just once see an expression on his face became increasingly special to Adil and quickly turned into disappointment when the illiteracy stayed all the same.

  
But one day was different. Adil was occupied with raking the fallen leaves aside of the back entrance. It was a chilly day, the temperature dropped continuously and the wind blew even harder than usual, making Adil’s task quite a challenge. But his concentration was not on work anyhow. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a middle-aged woman, homeless he presumed, sitting slumped up against a building across the street. She was wearing thin clothes and was shaking with cold. Adil took pity on her, as he had seen a lot of people in London sharing the same destiny. The destiny that was the everyday life of thousands of people in India, that could have been his had his family not moved to Britain and had he not found this employment.

  
All of a sudden, a car drove into Adil’s field of vision which came to a jerking halt. The car door opened and a familiar mop of curly hair emerged. Cautiously, he went towards the woman, who was shivering uncontrollably and made whimpering sounds, and took off his coat. Then he turned around and Adil got a glimpse on his face for the first time.  
The boy did not notice him though. He knelt down in front of the woman and held out the coat to her. Slowly, she wrapped it around he shoulders and muttered something that Adil could not understand due to the ambient noises but appeared as a thank you. The boy did not respond. Instead, a smile spread across his face.

  
It was tiny, a small movement of the boy’s mouth angles going upwards. It seemed more like an attempt to smile, as if he was waiting to be given permission. And still, there was so much genuine kindness and gentleness shining on his lips as well as in his soft hazel eyes that Adil could feel it just by watching in secret. A warmth blossomed in his chest, he was completely mesmerized by the good-heartedness Adil could feel in every fibre of his being.

  
The impatient chauffeur sounded the horn loudly, causing the boy to whirl around in surprise and Adil to almost drop the rake. Hastily, the adolescent jumped on the backseat and the car raced out of Adil’s sight.

  
~*~

  
After that, many months went by. Adil’s everyday life at the Halcyon stayed the same, but he never saw the mysterious boy again. At the beginning, he still watched out for dark curls and huge books, even dared to leave work in order to inconsciously lie in wait at the hotel’s wall whenever the clock struck half past six. At one point, he gave up and resigned himself to his dull work routine which held no excitement for him anymore.

  
On New Year’s Eve 1935, Adil’s fate took an unexpected turn. The Halcyon was hosting a lavish party, the lounge and the bar were full. For once, Adil’s presence in the kitchen was actually tolerated since they needed every workforce available. The stress level increased in the course of the evening and reached its peak when the dinner service was stalling.  
“What the hell is going on out there?!”, the head chef yelled at one of the servants who came into the kitchen, completely out of patience, which very little by itself.  
“There are some important business partners of Lord Hamilton’s outside and they want to be served a ‘Vieux Carré’ by all means.”  
This name rang a bell with Adil. He looked up from the carrot he was cutting and carefully studied the other employee’s facial expressions, surprised to discover nothing but confusion.  
“What’s a ‘Vieux Carré’?”, Robbie asked.  
“That’s the exact problem!”, the servant panicked.  
“None of the bartenders have ever heard of this drink, let alone how to make it!”  
The kitchen door swung open and Mr Garland barged in, his otherwise professional face marked by a deep frown of sorrow.  
“His Lordship is not pleased by the way his guests’ requests have been handled. We must find a solution immediately, research this drink and its origins as quickly as possible-”  
“It’s a brand-new cocktail from New Orleans, contains cognac, rey whiskey, sweet vermouth, bénédictine liqueur…”  
The room went silent while the words just came out of Adil’s mouth, he saw each hand movement in his mind’s eye and his fingers tingled at the memory of handling colourful liquids, a cocktail shaker and several other bar equipment.  
“You know the drink?”, Robbie enquired, mildly astounded.  
“Get me the ingredients and we can serve the gentlemen their drinks in a couple of minutes.”, Adil replied, cautiously.

  
The head chef looked like he wanted to chop Adil’s head off for even entertaining the thought of doing something beyond his commands but under Mr Garland’s watch, he restrained himself. The latter paused for a moment, taking in the critical situation. Eventually, he sighed and said: “The kitchen will have to spare Mr Joshi for a bit.”, and addressed to Adil, “Come with me. I’ll fetch everything you need.”

  
Whether it was the lack of other options or Mr Garland’s characteristic to place faith where others only felt distrust that drove him to stake all on Adil’s promises without ever having seen or tasted a cocktail made by the young boy and risk to get all of Lord Hamilton’s anger if Adil had failed stayed a mystery to him until the present day. Or perhaps he was just more of a daredevil than Adil had given him credit for.

  
Of course, after the last drink was mixed, Adil was immediately dragged back into the kitchen, for and ordered to clean up the kitchen all by himself as a punishment. Adil took it without turning an eyelid, because while scrubbing dirt from the floor, he could hear a slightly buzzed Lord Hamilton yelling “Richard, if the bar is capable of creating stuff like this out of nothing, why am I still served the same old swill every day!” and later that night, when he was finishing up, Mr Garland approached him with the offer of a probationary employment at the bar.

  
“It won’t be easy, Adil.”, the hotel manager warned him emphatically.  
“I can see that you’re gifted, but managing a bar in a hotel of this magnitude makes other demands than the establishments you’ve experienced. There is a reputation to uphold, the maintenance at the bar is comparable with a business card. At peak hours, you’ll have to provide high quality service to over fifty customers in a very tight time frame but carry out all tasks with attention to detail, cleanliness and safety. Stress is commonplace, there needs to be clear organization, structure and communication between the barmen whereas you need to ensure that the guests can enjoy a relaxed ambience…”

  
Adil found it very hard to listen carefully because of the excitement spreading through him. There it was. His time had come. The right opportunity had arrived. And Adil seized it with both hands, more than eager to prove himself. Naturally, he did not let his giddiness take over and kept a straight face nodded in agreement, maintaining the attitude he knew would be even more crucial in his new position.

~*~

  
Everything went faster than Adil had expected: Over the course of just one week of his trial period, Adil had memorized all drink recipes of the bar menu and even added some new lesser known ones to the list which where highly praised by the customers. Due to his interaction with the upper class, Adil managed to create classic and innovative drinks in accordance to the guests’ needs. Even Lord Hamilton seemed so pleased with the taste of his cocktails that he forgot that they were mixed by an Indian teenage boy.

  
Suddenly, what had been so hard became so easy. Adil had found a place to stay, a profession he was passionate about. He received a fair salary, high enough to provide for his family, pay his rent and there was even something left to put by every month. Adil’s life truly turned to good account. He lived every day to its fullest, completely absorbed by his change of environment, unable to imagine spending his remaining years anywhere else. Soon, he hardly remembered what his prospects in the world of work used to look like. All hardships and memories of injustice vanished.

  
For the first time in Adil’s life, everything was perfect. He did not wish for anything else.

  
Or at least, that was what he told himself.

  
Because try as he might, Adil could not erase the crystal clear picture of this cordial smile in his head.

Though, admittedly, Adil did not actually try too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? For those who are disappointed, the next chapter will be more Toby/Adil-centric, I promise ;)  
> Feel free to put out any criticsm or requests and happy easter to everyone who reads this!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, after a late-night session, the second chapter was finished!  
> Previously, I had a lot of ideas for this chapter, but while writing I figured it might become a little too long and the amount of events, which will have a great influence on Adil's personality, could be a bit too heavy for one single chapter.  
> For those who want to see some drama, consider this the quiet before the storm ;)

In his new job as bartender, Adil finally got to see more of the interior of the hotel. He was impressed with the classy premises filled with elegant pieces of furniture and antiques which Adil had previously only seen on advertising posters for the British Museum.

  
He met the rest of the Hamiltons. Lady Hamilton, who – unlike her husband or the residing aristocrats – showed no interest in his origins, neither did she eye his every move suspiciously when he entered the private chambers to bring up the afternoon tea.  
Most of the time, she did not even look at him, instead stared blankly into space, appearing like she was more in her own universe than the actual present.

  
And, of course, Freddie Hamilton. His father’s pride and joy and always a popular topic for the young maids – and Ms Hobbs – to gossip about.

  
Adil also grew closer to the other members of the staff, even if what held them together could not be called a friendship. In spite of the wispers behind his back still referring to him as “the Indian” and most of the colleagues did not taking him for full – an inconvenience Adil excused with the fact that he was the youngest – they respected him as a part of the team. And that was all Adil needed.

  
Occasionally, he even participated in Mr Feldman’s poker round after his shift had ended. It was at one of these nights in June 1936 – Mr Feldman had drowned two glasses of whiskey already – when the topic of Adil’s new position came up.

  
“Only sixteen and already mixing the most popular drinks in town! I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr Garland promoted you to the head barman one day.”, Mr Feldman exclaimed, patting Adil’s back approvingly.  
The latter bent his head down, pretending to study his cards, so no one would see him blush.  
“I still have a lot to learn.”, he murmured bashfully.  
“Besides, I’ve been employed for less than a year.”  
“No need to be so modest, young fellow.”, Robbie countered with his charming Scottish accent.  
“And if it gets too much, you can come back working in the kitchen anytime.”  
“So he can keep you company in the lion’s den?”, Skinner said jokingly.  
“Perhaps you should also apply for a job at the bar in order to escape the head chef’s clutches.”  
Robbie laughed in reply.  
“I think I’ll pass. Mr Garland has announced that Mr Hamilton is coming home next Thursday. I’m afraid, the following days will be twice as busy at the bar.”

  
Adil looked up with confusion at these words.  
“Did he ever leave? I’ve seen him only this morning in the lounge.”  
“He’s not talking about Freddie but about his brother, Toby. He’s going to an expedition in Dublin and will have a stopover at the hotel for one week.”, Ms Hobbs explained.  
“His Lordship has two sons?”, Adil asked disbelieving. He had seen countless pictures of Freddie at every age and portraits of the whole family within the hotel but not one of them featured a second son. And whilst Lord Hamilton’s praises over Freddie’s athletic successes were not to be overheard, the name ‘Toby’ had never been mentioned in Adil’s presence.

“Yup, twins even. How ironic, considering that they couldn’t be more different from each other.”, Mr Feldman chuckled, nursing his third glass of whiskey.

  
The remaining, less drunken employees stayed silent and lowered their gaze uncomfortably.

~*~

On said Thursday, Adil kept an eye out for the unknown Hamilton’s arrival. To his surprise, he appeared to be the only one. Lady Hamilton went to the beauty salon, Lord Hamilton took Freddie to a horse race and the staff carried out their duties as usual. It seemed like nobody was anticipating an aristocrat named Toby.

  
At around four o’clock, Adil returned from bringing up room service and was heading towards the lift. His thoughts were with planning the bar menu for tonight when he turned around the corner – and collided with a body, slightly taller than him. Several books fell to the ground along with the tray Adil had carried with him.

  
The foreign person quickly kneeled down to pick up his belongings. Slightly startled but trying to recollect himself, Adil stooped to his level to give a hand.  
“I beg your pardon, sir. I didn’t watch were I was goi-”  
The words got stuck in his throat as he looked up and came face to face with who he ran into.

Slim face. Brown curls. Hazel eyes. Only the smile which had occupied Adil’s mind for over half a year now was missing.

  
The bartender was speechless nonetheless. He had lost all hope to see the mysterious boy again. And not in his wildest imaginations could he have predicted that it would be in this setting. Atop of that, Adil realized that he was not just a regular citizen as he had presumed, but had to be a person of higher social in order to reside at this hotel.

  
“Are you alright?”  
The boy’s gaze scanned him with concern, Adil had to pull himself together in order to not get lost in it. He would never have dreamed being looked at by those eyes so directly, And now, out of the blue…  
“I hope it’s not damaged”, the boy said bashfully, handing Adil the tray.

  
Adil took it, baffled. Every other guest of this hotel would have caused a scene, tried to bite his head off or at least submit a harsh complaint to Mr Garland. On the other side, he had already known that this boy emitted an unusual amount of benevolence, so he was not too appalled.

  
“No need to worry about a simple tray, sir. I hope those delicate books of yours did not catch a knick though. ”  
At these words, the boy’s attention returned to his books. He pressed them to his chest, they were almost to many for one man to hold onto.

  
“May I help you bring the books to your room, sir?”  
“No, thank you. I just want to get away from here before-”  
“Before what, Toby?”  
The boy’s face was marked by a look of horror and Adil spun around at the loud voice. There stood Lord Hamilton, his lips drawn into a hard line. Freddie was right behind him.  
The boy was frozen in shock, his answer came out between stutters and almost inaudible.  
“Nothing.”  
“So you’re crawling in the dust for nothing?”

  
Lord Hamilton’s expression turned even darker, his face even redder. Freddie stayed silent. Adil could not get his head around the information he had just learned.  
This was Mr Hamilton?  
Toby Hamilton?  
The mysterious Hamilton, who had seemed more as a rumour than an actual person up to this point?

  
“It was an accident-”  
“Because you’re incapable enough to stumble over your own feet! While carrying a load of rubbish, what is this?!”  
“I was about to head to the library-”  
“I don’t give a tiger’s testicle about where or how you were planning to waste time. But I will not tolerate this attitude of running off without permission and lacking the decency to await your relatives to greet as it should!”  
No matter what his son attempted to say, it just riled up Lord Hamilton even more. Adil could not fight the urge to speak up any longer.

  
“Mr Hamilton is not to blame, my Lord. I should have been more careful-”  
“You’ll speak when you’re asked to, servant boy!”

  
As Lord Hamilton glared at him, Adil’s voice got stuck in his throat. The bartender forced himself to hold his gaze. His hands were folded behind his back as they always had to be in front of guests – his very first instruction from Mr Garland – but this time, it merely served the purpose to hide that they were shaking.

  
“Make yourself scarce and get back downstairs, I don’t pay my staff for lolling about.”, he said coldly.

  
Adil hesitated. He did not want to go, he had a bad feeling about leaving the boy – ** _Toby_** \- all to himself with this enraged, intimidating man. But he knew, if he argued any longer, acted any more disobedient, Lord Hamilton would fire him right on the spot. So he nodded and went towards the lift. But as soon as he went around the corner, he turned around and took a peek.

  
Lord Hamilton signalized Freddie to go to his room and Freddie did as he was told instantly. Luckily, he did not go into Adil’s direction.

  
And then, he saw what shook him to his very core.

  
Lord Hamilton grabbed Toby roughly by the collar and yanked him to his feet. The latter grabbed for support at the wall after his father let go of him, looking like a cornered animal. Without another word, he was shoved to his room at the other side of the hall and Lord Hamilton slammed the door behind them.

  
Adil’s stomach tied itself in knots. There was a roaring in his ears as he stepped into the lift, replaying what he just had witnessed over and over in his head.

  
The boy with the big books and the big heart was Toby Hamilton.

  
An aristocrat.

His boss’s son.

Whenever Adil had seen him walking down the street, he had been walking to the hotel entrance, so much closer to him that he could have foreseen.  
But he could have predicted even less what a confusing and somehow irritating impact coming face to face with him had on Adil.

  
He had tried to talk back at Lord Hamilton. He had considered not to run his boss’s command, and after seeing what happened, he even wished had not. Instead, he had followed his orders told and had walked away. He had done what he had had to do in order to protect his position. He had followed the path which he had always thought of as right.

  
So why did it feel so wrong?

~*~

It turned out that finding the needle in the haystack was easier than gathering information about Toby Hamilton.

  
The young man spent most of the day hidden away in his room or the library and only came downstairs when he was “obligated to”, for meals and other must-attend-events.  
He did not interact much with his family. Adil learned quickly that what happened the day of Toby’s return had not been an exception. Lord Hamilton could be driven up the wall by the smallest things Toby did or did not do, verbally and physically, and it seemed more than understandable that Toby avoided him as good as possible.

  
Lady Hamilton was the exact opposite. Adil never said it out loud, but he was almost certain that her husband could afflict and revile Toby right in her face and she would not recognize that there was a problem. And if she did, only God knew how much if it would actually bother her enough to intervene.

  
So far, Adil had only witnessed one true conversation between Freddie and Toby. It was on one of his breaks which the employees normally spent at the backside of the hotel. The brothers did not see him as they walked by, clearly wrapped up in their dialogue. Well, it was more like a monologue of Freddie complaining how their parents placed too high demands on him and Toby listening silently. Adil did not want to disturb their privacy by listening in and was about to go back in when he overheard Freddie’s last remark:

  
“I envy you. Father and mother never held any expectations for what happens with your life. You're free to do whatever you like without them caring.”

  
Adil could not see the reaction on Toby’s face but he did not need to. The way the younger Hamilton flinched in response showed clearly that the impact of these words was like a punch in the gut. And strangely enough, Adil could feel the air being driven out of his lungs and the same feeling of pain deep in the pit of his stomach. Back then, he could not put a name on what he felt whenever he watched Toby Hamilton. He just knew that it was not pity. He would learn at a later point in time what pity felt like.

~*~

Even the most tell-tale members of the staff had not much to add to what Adil already knew. He was trying his best to place the hints as subtle as possible.  
“How is it that he spends much less time at home than his brother?”  
“The books he reads must be very thrilling considering he spends all of his free time with them.”  
“Did Mr Feldman mean by “different that they’re unidentical twins?”  
“It’s funny. Usually when I serve people drinks, they get more talkative the more alcohol they consume. But the younger Hamilton always seems to get more quiet as the evening progresses.”

Most of the time, he also got an answer:

“The boys attend different schools. Freddie goes to a sports high school while Toby is at a boarding school for highfliers on the other side of the country. Constant visits would most likely not be worth the money and many times he stays willingly during holidays because of an important project, a report that needs to be finished etcetera.”  
“God knows what he reads all the time. In his room are piles of books about medicine, astronomy, global history, natural sciences, Chinese characters, butterflies… Whenever something wakes his interest, he has to know everything about it and soaks up all the pieces of information he can get.”  
“Amongst others, yes. Freddie is the golden boy and the heir his Lordship has always wished for, externally and characteristically. While Toby is just… Toby.”  
“Toby has always been a man of few words, with or without alcohol. Whenever the is a small or big gathering, he never actively participates in the conversation.”

And sometimes even a snappish side remark:

“I guess his father doesn’t mind him not being in the way for longer than necessary.”  
“It seems like that’s all he’s good for, so thank god Freddie’s the one who will inherit everything.”  
“…And there’s not much to that if you ask me.”  
“Not that he had something of great relevance to say, probably.”  


But as soon as Adil tried to dig, to go into it, his inquiries were blocked.

“Well, y’know, you hear this and that here and there, nothing too out of the ordinary.”  
“Oh my, look at the time! I need to be… somewhere.”  
“Um, isn’t your shift already over? You should get home, tomorrow will be a busy day.”  
“I did not think you were interested in gossip, Adil. Where comes this sudden curiosity from?”

Adil feared the last question because, to be frank, he did not understand the reason behind his thirst for knowledge either. Never before had he felt the desire to know more about someone who stayed at the hotel or even another member of the Hamilton family. On the contrary, it was the exact group of people he had always vowed to avoid on a personal basis because they could become a threat if they ever took a dislike in him.

  
But that was just what Toby did to him. Sitting at the bar, reading a book, drowning some alcohol – Robbie had not been lying about his drinking habit – made him appear so different from every other guest, aristocrat and even his own family. And yet, Adil was still left to wonder what was the actual truth behind Toby Hamilton.

  
Adil caught himself how he automatically tapped to the corner of the bar where Toby took a seat, so no other bartender would take care of his order, evening after evening. And somewhere between the second and the third drink, he worked up the courage to make a little small talk. Adil was smart enough not to address the incident of their first meeting and much less how Toby had been appearing frequently in Adil’s thoughts before he even knew the barman existed. Instead, he cautiously inquired about Toby’s education, his projects and the books he read. At first, Toby seemed confused, as if he had never been asked a question about his activities, his interests or even himself by anyone else. His eyebrows were furrowed with suspicion, which should have been a clear sign for Adil to back off. But he did not, he kept asking, kept going into what Toby said. And soon, Toby Hamilton – the man of few words - started talking freely about everything that moved him and the unbelievably high demands he placed on himself, the amount of pressure he put himself under to achieve an actual change in the world they lived in. But Adil realized that Toby was not bothered by that in the least because a blind eye could see how much he loved his work, how strongly he believed the purpose and how passionately he burned for the cause.

  
Every second he could afford, it was his good fortune that the hotel was not fully occupied and that he was still considered the “rookie”, Adil listened with suspense to every word that came out of Toby’s mouth. There were moments when the young aristocrat paused nervously all of a sudden because he took Adil’s silence as a sign that the barman was bored, but Adil assured him that this was not the case at all.

  
In fact, if Adil had it his way, he could listen to Toby’s voice forever. Even though he did not possess the expertise to form an opinion about most of the topics Toby philosophized about, something in his chest fluttered at the sight of excitement spreading across Toby’s face and the way his eyes lit with happiness like two shining stars. It was the same feeling he had experienced as when he had watched Toby smile for the first time, just much more intense.

  
Toby admired how Adil knew the right drink for every person in every mood at every time of the day.  
“You seem to know more about people than you care to admit, Mr Joshi.”  
“It’s not all about knowledge, Mr Hamilton. In some situations, feelings are the better guide.”  
Adil bit his tongue, cursing himself for showing his inner thought so openly, so rashly to someone whose class members would act repulsed by the ludicrous way their barman was selecting their drinks.  
But Toby did no such thing. He responded: “If there was a reality where people were right to act on their feelings instead of shamed for them, I would do anything to discover it.”

  
With a wistful smile on his face.

At that exact moment, Adil felt pity. Unadulterated pity for the other employees, Toby’s relatives and all those snobby, haughty, pretentious guests at the Halcyon who lived in complete oblivion to this unique, incredible, selfless, endearing and utterly beautiful soul beyond them and did not realize how blessed they were with his presence.

  
When his thoughts came to Toby, Adil just felt pain and sadness.

  
It pained him to observe how nobody regarded the fascinating things Toby knew about the world and the magnificent ideas he had for the future because they did not understand his way of thinking and were unable to admit that a barely seventeen-year-old’s plane of intellect was worlds higher than their deadlocked perceptions. Instead, they told Toby to keep his mouth shut, to not interrupt an adult conversation and least of all molest the noblemen and women with jibber-jabber. And it made Adil sad seeing the look on Toby’s face, insecurity, self-doubt and a complete lack of self-esteem tugging at him, the harsh words sinking in further and further to the point where he believed them.

  
And all Adil could do was watch helplessly. 

~*~

The day of Toby’s departure arrived in a blink of an eye. Adil had not shown any reaction towards his colleagues at this morning, but he stood at one of the hotel’s great window as Toby left, facing the imagination of not seeing or talking to the young aristocrat for a presumably very long time with more regret than he thought to be possible.  
The farewell looked more like an elopement. Once again, Toby’s family had better things to do than seeing him off and the adolescent took the news by squeezing his current book – a about the meaning of Egyptian hieroglyphs – tightly to his chest and shaking Mr Garland’s as well as Mr Feldman’s hand firmly.

A bitter taste filled Adil’s mouth.  
Toby did not like to be here, he did not like having to come back out of duty only to be chased away again by social conventions which indicted him for not fitting in the picture. It was a feeling Adil knew all too well. Perhaps this connection was what drew him to Toby Hamilton.  
But it did not change a thing about Toby’s misery or Adil’s dilemma.  
Toby would never know that there was someone who **wanted** him to be here, who **wished** for him to come back, who would like nothing more than to show him that everything about him was perfect.  
But social conventions denied him that. He was not even allowed to go outside to give Toby a proper goodbye, just to demonstrate that he cared. The rules of a system he had been aware of, gotten used to and **accepted** a long time ago. Case closed, right?  
Right?

Despite or perhaps because of Toby not knowing he was there, Adil waved as the car went off until it was just a black spot on the horizon, having only one thought in mind.

  
_I will be here when you return._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end, I want to mention that I'm fully aware of the fact that many of the characters are portrayed more negative in this fic than in the show. I completely understand if some readers don't like this, personally, I don't think that they are villain-like people at all (except for Lord Hamilton, he can go to hell...)
> 
> Please keep in mind that the story is narrated by Adil, a teenage boy (at this point), who is painfully acquainted with the feeling of being excommunicated for nothing but injustice and, being the protector he his, is despised by anyone doing injustice to someone as sweet and angelic as Toby is, only seeing the caused pain without reflecting on the word's actual meaning. Most of the characters don't intend to harm Toby, they're just being insensitive, blind to Toby's true nature or just overly dense o_O


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I apologize for taking so long to post a new chapter. I've just graduated from school which thanks to quarantine and slow bureaucracy was quite a messy and time consuming task to fulfill. But enough of me whining, I just wanted to assure you that I haven't lost my motivation, quite the contrary!  
> About the chapter: This short story is kind of split in two, so the next chapter will pick up right where this one left off instead of a time skip.  
> That being said, we're getting closer to the serie's present, that's why you'll get a glimpse on some familiar faces ;)  
> Enjoy!

The memory of the day he proudly showed his family his working uniform was still fresh in Adil’s mind.

_Now you look like a proper British gentleman_ , his mother had said, deeply impressed.

His sister had tugged at his collar with the Halcyon-logo on it, a slightly sceptical look on her face.

_Let’s make sure the Lords and Ladies in this hotel don’t turn him into their puppet, since they already put him in the fitting costume._

_You can’t put them all under one umbrella, Shanty. I’m sure your brother is extremely popular among the guests just because of his charming personality. Isn’t that right, my dear?_

_Well, “popular” would be slightly exaggerated…_

_See, mama? I bet there are still plenty of snobs in London who expect people like us to gratefully lean down and lick their shoes just because they throw some of their cash around._

_Shanty! When did your father and I teach you to talk in such an ill-mannered language?_

_You need to call a spade a spade. Besides, most of the aristocratic people have a much more lewd choice of words._

_What are you getting at?_

_You should know better than me, little brother. Are you being treated with the respect you deserve? Are gibes based on your origins or any other kind or discrimination truly water under the bridge at your workplace?_

_I can deal with it._

_By which you mean you bottle everything up. One day, it’ll all blow up in your face and you know it!_

_Well thanks a lot for your efforts to ruin my excitement over the job I’ve always dreamed of._

_That’s not what I- Look, I’m sorry. Of course I’m happy that you finally get to do what you love and the whole family couldn’t be prouder of what you’ve accomplished. But I’m concerned. For almost seventeen years, I’ve watched you continuously being wronged by people who burst with prejudices where they lack common sense. You have always stayed reasonable and prudent to protect the existence of our family. Mama and papa worry that you became stupefied but I know this isn’t the case at all. You care way too much to be selfish; that’s why you swallow your complaints and frustration, you push your emotions down. But you can’t continue this in the long term. Sooner or later, there will be an incident, a moment when you run out of patience. All I want is for you to never stop checking whether the environment you’re in isn’t doing you more harm than good before you do something you might regret later on._

_You should consider a change of career, you would become a great fortune-teller._

_I’m being serious, Adil!_

_So am I. Like I said, I can handle the treatment they give me. And given the good salary and the bright promotion prospects, I have no reason to complain or feel frustrated._

If Adil had been realistic, he would have listened to his sister’s advice instead of throwing her caution in the winds. But for once in his life, he had been so lost in optimism that he failed to realize that his denial of said moment blinded him to see it coming.

~*~

Over the course of the next four months, Adil’s life was composed of work and frequent visits to his family. Toby never came home. Whether he was staying in Dublin for an extended period of time or had returned to boarding school right after completing his research was unknown to Adil. Nobody talked about his whereabouts and Adil did not press. Therefore, the younger Hamilton slowly disappeared from Adil’s thoughts. Long absent, soon forgotten.  
This was how it was supposed to be. This was how it would have been with any other insignificant stranger that had walked in and out of Adil’s life. And this was that he tried to talk himself into believing day by day.

He failed.

_It’s not all about knowledge, Mr Hamilton. In some situations, feelings are the better guide._

That was the catch. Whereas Toby might be a complete stranger, it did not feel like he was one. And most certainly not insignificant either which made it impossible for Adil to forget and move on. What an impact this intuition would have in the future Adil could never have predicted. If so, he might had taken the matter more seriously. Again, he blamed it on the optimism.

One day in autumn 1936, in the middle of doing breakfast service, the subject of the 23rd of November - Freddie’s 17th birthday and the associated party - came up at the table where the hoteliers and their acquaintances had been seated.

The man Adil had poured coffee at that very moment had asked whether the whole family would be able to join the festivities.  
Lady Hamilton responded that it was still unclear since their younger son had chosen upon recommendation of his professors’ to take his finals sooner than planned.  
Adil’s chest swelled with pride at this positive report on Toby’s life. Not intentionally but mechanically, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Lord Hamilton, on the other side, pulled a wry face at his wife’s words and left the table at a rapid pace, saying he needed to have a smoke.

~*~

The 23rd of November arrived. In the daytime, Adil and the other barmen restocked on the bar as well as polished each glass to perfection while other employees took care of the decoration and set up tables and chairs, just like Mr Garland had instructed. The latter had informed Adil that he wanted to check everything before the first guests arrived, so Adil was on his way to the general manager’s office in the late afternoon. As he passed the hotel’s foyer, he saw Mr Garland’s daughter, Emma Garland, who was deep in lively conversation with Freddie Hamilton. He knew that they were childhood friends and that her father was planning to get her an employment at the hotel once she had completed her school education. Yet Adil assumed that she would not be allowed to attend tonight’s party.

  
The front door opened quietly without attracting Adil’s attention, but as he heard Emma raising her voice, he stopped in his tracks and looked towards the entrance.  
There was Toby, who looked bewildered by someone reacting to his arrival. Emma walked right up to him, beaming, and pulled the flustered young man into a tight embrace. Toby returned it, awkwardly but warmly, while his friend greeted him joyously and wished him a happy birthday. As he pulled back, he gave her a smile that brightened up the entire room. Or at least that was how Adil saw it.  
“So Toby, did you get a nice outfit for tonight?”, Emma asked.  
“Oh no, I’m not going to the party.”, Toby replied.  
“You don’t want to celebrate your birthday?”  
Emma sounded truly surprised while Adil was not at all. Due to the preparations, it was obvious that the hotel this evening would be crowded and filled with loud, noisy music. Two attributes which Toby was not too fond of, as the following reply confirmed:  
“All the celebration I need is some alone time in my room with my studies.”  
“Toby, you’ve skipped a grade, are just one semester away from graduation, only ever received top marks. And now that you’re home, you want to go back to throwing yourself into work right away? Don’t you think you deserve a break?”  
“I have to keep up if I want to pass at Oxford. Also, my work doesn’t exhaust me. If anything, it gives me strength.”  
Toby’s features softened while talking, it was the same expression he had worn back when Adil had enjoyed the privilege of hearing the specifics of Toby’s work. He felt the corners of his mouth curl upwards at the fond memory.  
“I’m afraid this won’t be possible.”, Freddie interrupted the conversation.  
“Father expects both of us to attend to our party.”  
“It’s **your** party.”, Toby hissed. There was a hint of frustration in his voice.  
“What does it matter if I am upstairs or in the lounge for people to ignore me?”  
“Perhaps they wouldn’t ignore you if you stopped acting so broody all the time and were able to have a casual chat about anything that doesn’t refer to these obscure heavy tomes you lug around for a change.”  
Toby’s head twitched as if he had been slapped in the face. Freddie sighed, pinched his nose and continued a bit more mildly:  
“Come on, Toby. Father and mother went out of their way to organize this party. The least you can do is step out of your comfort zone and show some appreciation towards everyone’s efforts.”

Toby stayed silent but responded with a stiff nod. Freddie walked off which Emma commented with only a sympathetic shrug of the shoulders.

Yes, a shrug. That was the only explanation Toby ever got.

~*~

It was the first time Adil visually witnessed a birthday of the twins’, the first thing that stood out was all this colour. The guests had done their best bib and tucker and their glamorous outfits as well as the decorations and the giant placard which displayed in golden letters HAPPY BIRTHDAY FREDDIE were shining with sparkle.  
Nonetheless, the most remarkable moment – in Adil’s eyes – was when Toby walked into the room. He was one of the last people to arrive, at first sight, Adil barely recognized him. He had changed his casual pants and slipover into a suit that was clearly too large and a necktie that appeared so tight as if he was trying to strangle himself. His delicate curls were slicked back.

But it was not the external image that attracted Adil’s attention (and slight concern), it was the look on Toby’s face. His smile of this afternoon, the smile Adil had anticipated to see from close up for over three months was replaced by an expression of misery. It did not take a trained eye to see that he did not feel good in his skin at all. At this point, Adil was not aware that this would only be the tip of the iceberg – the iceberg was hereby a metaphor for Toby’s pain and the incidents of the evening.

The service at the party went without a hitch and to full satisfaction of the Hamiltons’ and their guests’. Mr Garland had organized a new band for the life performance. Their leader, Sonny Sullivan, played the most beautiful piano music Adil had ever heard. And as Sonny came to the bar for a quick drink during a break, Adil realized just due to a simple chat and Sonny’s open and warm nature that this person was not only an excellent pianist but also a very decent human being. He would not be opposed if this band happened to play more often at the hotel in the future.

Plenty of alcohol flew throughout the celebration. Adil and his colleagues had a tough time keeping in mind which guest – especially the male ones – had what and how much to drink. The attention was mainly on Freddie, on his future career in the military and the lavish presents he had received. Toby bent low down on his seat and fiddled unceasingly with his fingers. Adil dearly wished that the young aristocrat would come near the bar and that he could engage him in a conversation. Congratulate him, ask him about his studies, crack a small joke, it did not matter as long as here was a small chance to cheer him up. But Toby stayed glued to his chair. He picked at his food and barely said a word at the banquet table. It appeared as if he was used to being overlooked and told to stay out of view.

  
Little did Adil know how different of a side of Toby he would get to know a little bit later – and of himself.

~*~

  
It all happened late in the night. Most of the guests had already retreated, there were only Toby, Freddie, Lord Hamilton and some of his male companions left.  
The majority of them were more than a little tipsy and behaved accordingly, nothing which Adil had not been accustomed to during his time as bartender. Yet it did not put his mind at ease either when he approached the table to clear up and one of Lord Hamilton’s friends, staggered aimlessly from the restroom back to his seat, in danger of falling over.

“Take your hands off me, you filthy little immigrant!”, the man yelled at Adil’s attempt to steady his arm. His breath smelling heavily of alcohol.  
“Fork over a new round of brandy, chop-chop!”, he slurred.

Adil knew he must not comply with this call. The customer might be king but Adil could not have anyone drink over their limit on his watch.  
“I beg your pardon, sir, but it would be for your best interests if you took a break from liquor for now-”  
“How dare you open that impertinent mouth of yours!” was the disgruntled answer.  
“Do your bloody job and serve me, that’s all your kind is good for!”

  
Verbal aggression. Adil knew that this was a clear sign that one had imbibed too much and knew perfectly well how to deal with it. Still, he felt a stich of nervousness in his chest. It did not make sense to him why Lord Hamilton made no move to intervene and curb his friend. Adil remembered clearly how harsh and intimidating the nobleman could be when he saw something happening at his hotel that he did not like. But there was no reaction except for this palpable glare in his employee’s back.

  
It was not until much later that the possibility occurred to Adil that the hotelier had refrained from getting involved because he had seen no need to do so. It all happened out of the public eye, why should he bother to step into breach for a servant of whom he probably thought just as little as his friend put into words?

Adil took a step back, bowed his head and spoke in a calm tone of voice: “With all due respect, sir, it is my duty to ensure nobody gets harmed or endangered by my service. And for that very reason, I must refuse your request.”

Adil turned around, with the intention of returning to the bar. Not seeing that the grim man raised his arm and aimed at him.

The very next moment, the sound of glass was heard and Adil saw the shards on the floor right next to him. His mind captured within fractions of a second that the guest had thrown an empty bottle of champagne on him and had barely missed. The shock rolled over the young barman, he felt incapable of a reaction.  
Insults, looks filled with disgust and a generally negative attitude towards his person was something Adil had become resistant to a long time ago. But this open, unhidden hatred topped with physical assault was something he had never experienced, left him speechless and paralyzed.

  
The room was filled with dead silence for a few moments, which seemed like an eternity to Adil. What woke the bartender from his torpor and lead to a dramatic turn of events were the following words: “Father, you need to put a stop to this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's not much left to say but I wanted to use the opportunity to say a big thank you to everyone who reads my story and especially to those who make the effort to leave a comment.  
> This is such a warm, loving and supportive community and I'm proper grateful to be a part of it <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Um, yes, I'm still alive.
> 
> After two months, it's high time to post an update! I don't have a good excuse for my long absence except that I was being a lazy bone and that this chapter is probably the must difficult text I've ever written in English.
> 
> Just a little fun fact: During vacation in Austria, I drove through a village called Tobadill. Yes, TobAdill. Forget about the second L, that's unrefutable proof that these two are meant to be ^^

**24th of November 1936, 4:12 am**

“You called for me?” 

Adil stood at the doorframe to Mr Garland’s office. The hotel manager was focused on some documents, ordering Adil to close the door with a hand gesture.   
Once the Young barman had taken a seat across his desk, he retorted: 

“I suspect you know why I did.” 

The stone-cold sober tone of his voice sent a shiver down Adil’s spine, raising the fine hairs on the back of his neck. The tension in the room only became thicker when another threateningly suggestive hint was placed. 

“Quite an eventful night, was it not?” 

With these words, Mr Garland finally raised his eyes. There was no humour in them.

“Not many people have managed to render me speechless throughout my career, but this inexplicable behaviour truly has me at a loss of words.”

“Sir, I-”

“If this is an attempt to make excuses, leave it. I do not look kindly on insults to my intelligence.”, Mr Garland cut him off harshly.

His facial features exposed the gravity of the situation.   
A feeling of dread crept up from the pit of Adil’s stomach as he looked feverishly for the right thing to say. He knew there was no point in denying or running away.

“How did you know it was me?” was the only thing that could force its way out of his throat.

“There was no need to. In some situations, feelings are the better guide, don't you think so?” was Mr Garland’s prompt reply.

Adil gulped, hearing his own words as they were used against him. Tension leaked into his jaw, and he tried not to clench it, but the way the muscles worked gave him away. It was clear enough of a guilty plea for the hotel manager to get up abruptly, slam his fist on the desk and drop the calm façade.

“What the bloody hell were you thinking?! Are you out of your mind?! Do you have any idea what could have happened? How bad things would look for you right now if what you did had led to anything worse than aborting the party?” 

Raw fury flashed in Mr Garland’s eyes which made Adil shrink back in his seat. Never before had he seen his boss this beside of himself. Not even in the most stressful hours had caused the hotel manager to raise his voice. Adil felt the blood freeze in his veins, starting to see bit by bit how much trouble he had got himself into. 

“I asked you a question and I want an answer, now!” 

The brusque words pounded in Adil’s head. But frankly, he did not have an adequate answer to that. Eventually, he heard himself saying: “I suppose not. Everything happened so fast, I can’t remember.” 

This answer did not appear to soften Mr Garland’s mood in the least. On the contrary, his expression became more indignant. 

“This isn't a joke, Adil. This isn't some harmless youthful escapade. This amount of unaccountability is something I would expect from somebody with high criminal energy. Saying: Somebody I would never let near the heart of the Halcyon, let alone as a workforce. But your passion for this job, your total devotion towards your family and this distinct strength of character for your age really fooled me into believing you were different.”

“I completely understand your anger-”

“You think this is about anger?" 

Mr Garland snorted. 

"The issue is way past that. I promoted you to barman against any better judgement because I had faith in your personality, because I thought that you could step up to the responsibility with the required professionalism. Now it seems like I was sorely mistaken. And this realization is one of grave disappointment.”

“I’m sorry I let you down, Mr Garland.”

Adil meant it. It had never been his intention to get anyone else into his mess and he deeply regretted the problems he had caused for his boss. In response, Mr Garland simply shook his head.

“Don’t be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself. His Lordship ordered me to find the wire puller behind this incident and sack them immediately.”

Adil paled at these words. Dismissal? But he had not… he had just… was he really… He wanted to say something but his mind was unable to take a stand.

Mr Garland pressed his lips into a firm line and slowly sank back in his chair.

“Judging by the look on your face, you didn’t consider this possibility either.”

Adil did not find the strength to nod, but he figured that his silence spoke for itself. Thousands of thoughts floated around in his head.

  
If Mr Garland had been aware that he was behind what happened all along, what was the point of this interrogation? Why was he still sitting here when the logical next step for his boss was to hand him over to Lord Hamilton? Or to chase him away in disgrace, as he was told to do?

“What for?”

“H-Huh?”

“You heard me. I want know about your true motives.”

“Does it matter?”

“To me, it does matter why an employee I trusted and valued abused the power I gave him in such a terrible manner.”

“You don’t understand-”

“ **Damn right I don’t!** ”

The middle-aged man threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of utter exasperation and let out a frustrated sigh.

“We’re not getting anywhere this way. I wanted to take you to task to figure out whether it was my poor insight into human nature when I employed you that provoked this scandal of if there’s actually a deeper meaning to it and you’re worth not giving up on. But I can’t help you without you helping me.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“The truth, for starters. Tell me about tonight’s events from your point of view.”

“I presumed you heard everything you need to know from His Lordship.”

“And yet, I don’t have an explanation for the glass shards of an apparently empty bottle on the floor of the lounge or the yelling I heard from the distance of my office. I want the full story, down to the last detail.”

Adil hesitated. Should he really tell Mr Garland the full story? Was it not shameful enough that the hotel manager knew about the outcome of the evening? Would the truth behind his behaviour not do more harm than good?

Mr Garland took notice of his inner struggle and issued a harsh warning:

“But beware, Adil: This is the only chance you’ll get from me. Therefore, I strongly advise you not to play me for a fool.”

By closing and reopening his eyelids, Adil finally gave in. Not because he thought it was a good idea or that it could change anything, but because he was out of options and had nothing left but the small hope that it would ease the remorse, which was eating him up inside, to cling onto.

“One of Lord Hamilton’s more than slightly drunk friends commanded me to serve more alcohol-containing drinks and became offensive towards me when I tried to reason with him. The glass shards are from a bottle he threw at me. He missed me by a whisker.”

Mr Garland seemed consternated by this revelation but not the slightest bit surprised.

“And what was your reaction?”

“There was no appropriate reaction on my part, I’m afraid. In hindsight, I know that I should have withdrawn from the situation right away, I should have taken the edge off the conflict. But the attack with the bottle has put me completely out of countenance. I was aghast.”

“But there was more to that, am I right?”

“Well…”

“For God’s sake, do I really have to pull every word out of your mouth? Out with it, what happened next?”

Adil could feel his heart beat to the neck as the recent events appeared before his inner eye.

“It turned out I wasn’t on my own after all…”

_“Father, you need to put a stop to this.”_   
_Adil scarcely believed his own ears when he heard Toby’s voice. He turned his head and was overwhelmed by the unfamiliar determination and fierceness emitting from those soft hazel eyes._   
_“This man as well as all other employees, who provide their service for our family day in and day out, has done so with loyalty, decency and diligence. The least we can do in return is place them under our protection and ensure that they are treated with respect by everyone who walks through this hotel’s door. Even by those who consider them beneath us.”_

_Adil’s heartbeat was rabbiting away in his chest, with such force that it was almost painful. Not that he had ever doubted that Toby did not share the opinion of those who gave him a hard time like his father’s friends, but for the young aristocrat to testify the courage to speak up for a lowly servant went beyond everything Adil had believed possible._   
_It appeared that Adil was not alone in that opinion. All heads snapped towards the young man, who talked nineteen to the dozen. Nobody interrupted him. The elder gentlemen – including Lord Hamilton – were obviously way too perplexed to intervene while Freddie was frantically trying to make eye contact with Toby in order to signalize him to back down and hold his tongue. But Toby showed no intention of following his brother’s advice. Instead, he continued:_   
_“One’s race, country of origin, native language, political views, religious beliefs or economic status are not to be authorized to define or measure the value of human life or human dignity. People in our position should be educated enough to acknowledge that all members of our society are of equal standing.”_

  
“That sounds like quite a… passionate speech Mr Hamilton made for you.”, Mr Garland commented Adil’s narration, the sound of his voice somewhere in between disbelief and impressiveness.

“It was.”, the young barman agreed.

“I only question whether he was right about you.”

Adil opened his mouth in protest but closed it again at the thought of what he did. At the same time, he heard the voices of people who had been well disposed towards him echo in his head.

Would Toby still be so quick to jump to his defence if he had witnessed the climax of the evening?

Would his sister still be as proud of him, knowing he ignored all of her warnings?

Would he still be able to look at himself in the mirror, now this new side of him was revealed?

“That may very well be true.”, he admitted dejectedly.

“But no matter how unworthy I have proven myself to be of his high opinion, it doesn’t decrease the properness of his words about humanity. Please don’t believe that.”, he pleaded.

“This is your biggest concern?”

Mr Garland seemed at his wits end.

“Anyways, when do we come to your part of the story?”

“At first, nothing happened. I suppose nobody knew how to retort what they had just heard. I already started to – Heck, how pathetic this sounds…”, Adil muttered under his breath, thinking about the subsequent happenings.

“Started to hope that they would see sense behind Mr Hamilton’s words and pay tribute to what is really inside him.”

“But that hope was crushed very quickly, correct?”

“In a blink of an eye.”

“By what?”

Adil bit his lip.

“By sniggering.”

_Taken aback, Adil watched as the man who had assaulted him earlier broke out into uncontrollable laughter._

_“ **That’s** what you raised, Laurence? A cloying, weak little pansy, who’s too much of a chickenshit to use a shooting iron never mind point it at some deer but gets all flippant when it comes to defending some lowly servant boy’s honour? His head filled with naïve, sissy, delusional daydreams instead of actually making an effort to man up?”_

_The remaining men joined in the laughter and the mockery, whose exact wording Adil had no desire of keeping in his head. Everything Toby had emphasized had bounced off them. This cognizance did not miss its effect. The spark in his eyes, the one that had enthralled Adil so much, was replaced by a crestfallen look that nobody else in the room seemed to see or affect. The cherry on the cake was that none of the snarky phrases were addressed to Toby directly, only to his father. Not even that was he worth to them._

“I reckon His Lordship didn’t just sit back and put up with these mouldy comments?”

“That was the thing. After the guffaw had died down, he stood up with a straight face and instructed his older son to lead their guests into the atrium to continue the celebrations. In the meantime, he signalized Toby to follow him into his study.”

“And what did you do?”

“As the attendees started to slowly drift out of the room, my blurred vision finally cleared and I was about to get back to work when I saw father and son walk off. And I couldn’t help but… well, I…”

“You what?”

“I snuck after them.”

“Adil! What did I tell you about sticking your noise in aristocracy’s business?!”

“But it wasn’t about satisfying my curiosity, sir, I swear! I… I panicked at the thought of Mr Hamilton being put in a vulnerable situation, knowing how hot-tempered His Lordship must have been at this moment. I couldn’t leave him to fend for himself.”

_Not like I did so many times before._

“And you thought, what? That you could protect him by eavesdropping their conversation?”

“No… Yes? Perhaps. I don’t know what exactly I was thinking.”

“I’m seriously questioning whether you have been thinking at all for quite a while now.”

“What I meant was-”

“Save it, Adil. Now isn’t the right moment to talk this over. Just tell me the rest of the story.”

“There isn’t much more to be told.”

“You mean there isn’t much more you want to tell me.”, Mr Garland stated, gradually getting more impatient.

“Do I have to remind you that your career is handing by a threat? And let me tell you: You’re not doing yourself a favour by refusing to cooperate with me.”

Adil shook his head resignedly. He knew it was no use, that there was no escape. And yet, everything within him rebelled against the idea of what he was about to reveal.

_On his tiptoes and at an appropriate distance, Adil followed Lord Hamilton and his son. He waited behind a corner until he heard the door click – or, more accurately, slam – and pressed his ear against the keyhole._

_What he heard in the next few minutes was deafening roaring, displaying a monologue of the most despicable testemonies._

  
_“I craved for an heir, a worthy successor, one that I could be proud to call my son. And what did I get? Look at you! A worthless, pathetic, detestable waste of space!”_

_“Why was I of all people punished with a second child that was never useful, needed or even wanted in the first place.”_

_“Had it not been for your mother’s tireless lamentation, I would have had you sent away as canon fodder!”_

_Toby did not fight back, which, given his physical inferiority, was probably the wisest thing to do. Or so Adil thought, But then, out of nowhere, a thumping noise resounded, followed by a smacking sound._

  
_“This was just the beginning. Just wait until I get to your room, you’ll be so very sorry for opening your mouth tonight.”_

  
_Adil just managed to jump out of the way before the door flew open and Lord Hamilton stormed out without noticing the servant’s presence, his head beet red with rage. But where was Toby?_

_Even after a minute of waiting, Toby did not exit the room, so Adil gathered up all of his courage and peered inside._

_The young aristocrat sat slumped down on the floor, leaning against a bookcase, looking like any energy had drained from him. In relation with the foregoing wham Adil had heard and the fact that several books were scattered across the floor, Adil concluded that Toby had been pushed against the shelf and the books had fallen out of it. Some of his curls had come loose from his stiff, with hair gel crafted coiffure and covered his eyes, so he could not see Adil hovering at the door frame. His face was as white as the sheets. A marked contrast to this was the redness on his red cheek on which the print of five fingers was still plainly visible. Something dripped into his lap. Adil could not recognize what it was until Toby raised his head and stared at the ceiling. It was tears that fell silently from his face while he pressed his left hand firmly against his mouth in order not to let a sound pass his lips._

“They broke him. He was on the ground and they took malicious pleasure in kicking him.”, Adil said hoarsely.

“It was his **birthday**. He didn’t ask for much, just some peace and quiet. It was all he wanted and they even denied him that. Instead, he had to attend a party that wasn’t his, wear clothes he wasn’t comfortable in and share a dining table with people who were badmouthing, belittling and humiliating him in his face yet over his head. Watching him taking it all in, desperately trying to maintain his composure while suffering so terribly… I don’t know what came over me. It was an act on impulse.”

“On **what** impulse? You saw him and just came up with the plan to-”

“No. There was no plan. I was focused on Mr Hamilton, how I wanted step forward, to offer him comfort, to let him know how wrong his father had been to treat him like that.”

_But he could not._

_He could just watch._

_Always just watch._

_Watch, watch, watch._

_Adil could not bear to just watch anymore._

_That was all he could think about on his way back to the bar. He felt the walls he had built around his heart that were supposed to shield him from getting into trouble crumbled and fell, leaving him with nothing but an irrational burst of anger_

_Toby had faced his fellows head-on, not for himself but for Adil and people in a similar position, and what did he get in return? Jeering and physical mistreatment._

_And Adil was supposed to turn a blind eye, move on with his life and accept that he could not do anything?_

_No. He could not accept it. Not this time._

_His gaze stopped at the sight of two of his colleagues standing over a tray with drinks ready to be served._

_“Who ordered these?”, one of them asked._

_“His Lordship did.”, the other answered._

_“I thought Adil said no more.”_

_“Yes, but His Lordship seemed about to explode when he came out of the study and I had no desire to get fired on the spot.”_

_“I’m sure you did the right thing. I’ll go get the ice!”_

_“And I’ll prepare some slices of lime!”_

_Both of them went for the back of the bar, giving Adil at the chance to take a better look at the drinks._

_He recognized Lord Hamilton’s whiskey immediately, it was filled into the special decorated, heavily expensive tumbler, a gift the aristocrat had received for the hotel’s 45th anniversary._

_Taking in the whole picture, Adil’s body took charge of its own and his hand slowly wandered to the sachet in his back pocket, filled with the jwala pepper powder he had gotten from his mother and of which he had promised Robbie to bring along a sample for the kitchen._   
_As he held it in his hands, he had to think of the thread Lord Hamilton had made towards his son:_

“Just wait until I get my hands on you later on…”

_“Oh no, you won’t.”, he growled through clenched teeth._

_“I’ll make sure of that.”_

“…And the only solution you came up with was to spike Lord Hamilton’s drink?!”

Mr Garland’s voice was filled with astonishment and incomprehension. Adil hung his head.

“I was in a trance-like state. The decision was made in a span of seconds.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that? That you subconsciously put a good amount of extremely hot chilli powder in someone else’s drink without thinking through the impacts?”

“I find it hard to grasp myself. As I came to realize what I had done, one of the servants had already brought the drinks to the atrium.”

“But you let it happen anyway.”

“I tried to stop it, but it was too late. I was hardly out of the lounge when the first panicked guests stumbled downstairs, shouting for a doctor, and chaos broke loose.”

Mr Garland nodded, lost in thoughts. Adil supposed that the puzzle in his head was coming together.

“That explains why you were immediately on spot with milk and honey.”

“The others thought it was food poisoning at first and waiting for the paramedics would have taken too long...”  
Adil did not want to finish that thought. But Mr Garland stuck to his guns.

“Go on, say it. Lord Hamilton could have suffered a fainting spell before medical help had arrived. That’s how dangerous your powder was.”

“I didn’t think that far.”

“Of course you did! Or why else did you do it in the first place?!”

  
Adil looked at the floor as if he was searching there for a proper explanation; only to realize that he had none. There was no rational reason like nothing he had ever thought, said or did had a rational reason when it came to Toby Hamilton.

“I never meant to cause any serious harm.”

“Well, too bad. It **did** cause quite serious harm, or else we wouldn’t be sitting here.”

The glare Mr Garland gave him intensified.

“Did you forget about your colleagues who are still under suspicion? How it could deteriorate the hotel’s reputation once the news spreads that the employees are poisoning the owners? And do you believe I’ve got nothing else to do than sorting out the mess you caused?”

“I didn’t want that.”

Mr Garland let out a bitter laugh.

“You’ve said this so many times tonight. But what does it change? Nothing. The damage is done and you alone are to blame for the outcome.”

This really hit home. Adil had never believed that the end justified the means and yet, here he was, using every possibility to go into denial. Just so he would not have to admit to Mr Garland – but most of all to himself – that he was capable of such an insidious attack without second thoughts or scruple.

He did not want to be that person. He wanted to do the right thing.

“I see what you’re coming from. And you’re right, with everything. It’s true, I knew how the powder would affect Lord Hamilton. Because I **wanted** it to affect him. Not out of revenge, not because I wanted to make him suffer in particular, but because Mr Hamilton would be safe from more pain tonight. I know that this doesn’t excuse anything and that it doesn’t make anything better. I’ve behaved grossly negligent and I’ve taken into account great damage for the people around me. I cannot undo my actions but I’ll take full responsibility.”

With these words, Adil stood up.

“You should head to Lord Hamilton and tell him the truth first thing next morning. I’ll come along if you want me to.”

“Hold on.”

Mr Garland raised his hand, indicating that Adil should halt.

“I said I wanted to know your true motives. But there’s something I still don’t understand. I don’t disregard that you were in a tough position. I empathise that you were upset about what happened to Mr Hamilton and that you wanted to help him. But why did you fly off the handle like this? You have more than enough experience with provocation and blatant injustice. And you of all people should know how to handle it. What was it about this time that made you lose your temper? Risk everything you’ve worked for?”

A good question. If only there was a reasonable explanation to it.

“Because I’ve never felt so helpless before.”, Adil said reluctantly.

Mr Garland raised both eyebrows upon hearing this.

“That’s against all common sense. If you felt helpless, you could have **gotten** help, the normal way.”

“Help from **whom**? I had no proof. That being said, none of the staff would have trusted the word of someone like me to rise up against Lord Hamilton.”

“You could have called me. Did you have so little faith that I would trust your word?”

“Maybe not, but I had little faith that you would step in.”

  
As soon as the words had slipped out of his mouth, Adil bit his tongue.  
Had he really just spoken to his boss like that?  
Mr Garland seemed no bit less stunned.

  
“What do you mean by that?”

“We both know tonight was no exception. You’ve been working as Lord Hamilton’s right hand for over eight years, your daughter grew up with his sons. I can only surmise how many incidents you’ve witnessed, I for one have seen more than enough. And we tolerated it. Because the public eye disapproves of commoners getting involved with aristocrats on an emotional basis, but also because we consciously decided not to do the right thing.”, Adil said as matter-of-factly as possible. It was not his intention to reproach Mr Garland or give him the impression that he tried to talk himself out of the whole affair. So he added:

“I’m not blaming you. I know what it’s like having to provide for a family, that their well-being supersedes everything else and that both of us cannot afford to lose our source of income over following our ideals. And yes, I know what it’s like to face injustice by obsolete social role models. And you know what has always made me keep it together? My family. Because I knew that, even after the toughest experiences, there was a save haven full of people who still loved me just the way I am. And I venture to suggest you feel much the same.”

Adil paused as he noticed the contemplation Mr Garland wore on his face. The latter leaned forward and looked challengingly at him.

“Continue.”

“Mr Hamilton has none of that. None of the love, safety and cohesion of what I understand a family to provide for. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s a good person. Much better than I could ever claim to be.”

Adil sucked in a giant breath.

“You want to know why I lashed out? Perhaps I was done with lying to myself that I didn’t care, like I have for the longest time. Because I do care that someone as judicious and brilliant yet as kind-hearted and unconceited as Mr Hamilton was drained of every bit of the low self-esteem he had left just because he wanted to protect me.”

  
The room went silent. Adil was positive now that this was the end of his career. A part of him still thought that this was all a bad dream. The emptiness he felt in his chest was unbearable. Never before had he so desperately wanted to run away from the truth - or from this office. But there was one more thing he needed to know.

“Sir, do you think Lord Hamilton is a good person?”

This question clearly caught the hotel manager off guard. He answered slowly:

“He offered me help when I needed it the most. I owe him gratitude. And so do you.”

“No, I don’t.”

Adil was careful not to let his eyes waver as he faced Mr Garland head on.

“ **You** are the one I owe gratitude. You employed me, treated me with fairness, gave me a chance when no one else would, and I failed you. I understand why you respect Lord Hamilton and why you serve him with loyalty. I respect you, therefore I fully understand if you’re going to report me after this conversation. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if anything had happened to Lord Hamilton. What I did was wrong and intolerable and must have consequences. And still… If I could go back in time, have one more look at Mr Hamilton, alone, defenseless and miserable, with the people who are supposed to - who are allowed to care about him having no interest in extending their hand to him… I can’t say how much different my decision would be. I just know that doing nothing to help him would have killed me inside.”

  
Mr Garland listened, visually trying to process everything he had just heard. Eventually, he said:

“I must say, that’s not the statement I was expecting when I summoned you here.”

The only response Adil had left was a small, heavy-handed smile.

“You asked me for honesty. This is the most honest statement I can give.”

He let out a deep sigh and fixed his jacket.

“Now, if you may excuse me, I must go pack my belongings.”

He turned around to leave the office when he heard Mr Garland call after him:

“There was a mistake with the deliveries.”

Adil stopped in his tracks.

“What?”

“There was a delivery of spices for the bar and the kitchen this afternoon. The provider must have labelled some of the products incorrectly; that’s how it came to this unfortunate accident.”, Mr Garland elaborated.

“Accident?”

“Yes, accident, this is what I’ll tell His Lordship. As for you, you better get out of here without attracting attention, so nobody will become suspicious. And be here on time for the late shift.”

“Why would you do that?”, Adil asked perplexedly.

“Why would you support what I did?”

“I don’t.”, Mr Garland said sharply.

“To make it perfectly clear: I find it idiotic. And I’m not sure if what I’m doing now is actually the right decision. As your employer, I’m beyond indignant to see what happens with my back turned. However…”

Mr Garland sighed.

“As someone who knows His Lordship inside out, I feel partly responsible that it came to this tonight. I should have taken action a long time ago. And it goes without saying that Toby is a good person. More than that, he’s one of those few special people who are able to think ahead of our time and will play an important part in creating a peaceful, liberal-minded tomorrow for our nation. I can imagine how you felt and I’m sorry you had to deal with the situation all by yourself. And as a human being, I really do hope that in the future, there will be more people like you in the world. People with compassion and sense of responsibility, even for strangers. I believe life would much easier.”

~*~

It did not come as a great surprise to Adil that Toby stayed in his room for the whole next day. Or that he fiddled around mealtimes as often as possible up until his departure a few days after. Adil deeply regretted that he had not got the chance to talk to him beforehand. Adil felt the strong urge to say sorry.

_Sorry that you got into this mess because of me._

_Sorry for leaving you high and dry when you really needed someone fighting your corner._

_Sorry that your family is incapable of giving you the affection you deserve._

_Sorry for being a coward, whose actions did nothing good to improve your situation._

_Sorry for everything._

Adil swallowed those bitter thoughts and concentrated on the one thing he could do.

In an unattended moment, the packed bags were standing in front of Toby’s room in the hallway, he placed a small box wrapped in shining blue paper with a silver ribbon and card that said For Toby on top right beside them.

He hid behind a corner and took in the following scene: Toby emerged from his room, put some papers in his briefcase and spotted the box immediately. Looking puzzled, he removed the paper and opened the box. Adil knew its content.

It was a snow globe, enclosing a miniaturized scene of the campus and buildings of Oxford. With the same amount of eagerness as of anxiety, he anticipated Toby’s reaction.  
The young aristocrat seemed confused, looked around searching, which made Adil shrink deeper into his hideout.

Discovering nobody, Toby looked at the snow globe again. And then – finally – he smiled.

Adil’s heart jump with joy. Seeing Toby’s smile after the latter had been through so much heartache felt like feeling the sunshine after weeklong rainy weather. He was of good cheer that everything would turn for the better, now that he had finally found a fitting way to express the empathy he felt for Toby Hamilton.

Sadly, Adil did not realize at that time that he was lying to himself once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those who are angered or disappointed by Adil after this chapter: I understand.  
> Like I said, this chapter was very difficult for me to write, especially because I didn't want to portray Adil as a monster or make his actions seem out of character.
> 
> To me, Adil is a kind, calm, gentle and above all caring person. But I always had the feeling that there was a whirlwind of emotions within him which he surpressed for several reasons. And nothing can stay locked up forever. Adil isn't perfect and what he did was by no means right. But I hope I could show you how much Toby has touched his heart and that the walls of acceptance are starting to fall.
> 
> That's why this chapter was much longer than the others; I wanted to make clear that nothing shall be swept under the carpet and that I don't approve this type of resolving conflicts. I'm sorry if some of the parts were a bit repetitive.  
> I don't know about you, but after this chapter full of darkness, I look forward to giving you some fluffy and brighter themed update ;)
> 
> Thank you as always for reading!


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